By Erika Krull

In families with alcoholism, emotions and priorities can get very mixed up — and not just by the alcoholic. Spouses, kids, parents, and extended family members can also get emotionally entangled with the alcoholic’s situation. Everyone has expectations and needs to be met, and in many cases the alcoholic falls short. When everyone gets accustomed to living with an intense emotional situation, feelings start taking on way too much importance.

The Problems

Family members:

• Don’t want to lose their relationship with the alcoholic. Some family members don’t put pressure on an alcoholic because they don’t want to be abandoned. They would rather keep that person in their life instead of possibly losing them altogether. Rather than talk about alcohol rehab or tell the alcoholic their true feelings about the problem, they play it safe and avoid the truth.

  It is understandable that others may want to stay connected to the alcoholic. But the family member makes their choice because of what they want to keep, not because of what might be better for the alcoholic.

• Don’t want to rock the boat. Going against the grain in an alcoholic family could make someone a hot target. If one person tries to speak the truth about an alcoholic and put up boundaries, that person quickly can become the black sheep. Family members often will air out the truth-teller’s dirty laundry; whatever positive standing they might have within the family could be knocked down. Rumors and negativity may even spread beyond the family group. If that’s the price for helping an alcoholic family member, why would anyone do it? It takes courage to stand up to an entire family, and many people aren’t sure they have it.
• Don’t want to be isolated. It’s bad enough that a person giving tough love to an alcoholic family member may get harassed — the breach of family rules may be enough to cause relatives’ rejection. When your alcoholic cousin Jimmy asks for money and you refuse him, you make a wise decision. But you also risk your overprotective grandma putting a black mark against your name. In her eyes, you did something wrong, not Jimmy.

  Grandma also may influence other family members to isolate you. If you feel this potential isolation and loneliness is too much for you to bear, you may decide to give in to Jimmy’s money requests to stay connected to the family.

• Don’t see the harm in protecting and rescuing the alcoholic. Some people may truly believe they are helping their loved one by rescuing them. Family members hate to see the alcoholic so upset about his or her circumstances. They give money, shelter, food, or whatever the alcoholic might need at the moment. It may make the family feel better that the alcoholic isn’t suffering as much because of their help. However, it’s the suffering that can make an alcoholic realize how much he or she nee...